As you know, the Bachmann Not-So-Big Hauler, the classic 4-6-0 locomotive I’ve converted into a 4-4-0, has been undergoing the Europeanification process for quite some time now.
The reason behind this entire process is quite simple: we need a heavyweight, battery-driven locomotive in order to run the rough rails in the China Section. The New Bright 2-6-0, although operational, carries the batteries in the tender, eliminating their value as traction-generators. It bobs and weaves through the China Section like Sugar Ray Leonard, but doesn’t have the weight to combat the gauge issues and therefore pops off the track about every six inches or so.
The Bachmann Big Hauler carries the batteries in the locomotive, but has too long of a wheelbase to negotiate the four foot diameter curve of the China Loop. The little LGB 0-4-0 runs exquisitely through most of the loop, but electrification issues abound, and the loop is incomplete.
So, we must modify the Big Hauler. I’ve shortened the pilot truck so that it fits under the new shortened boiler, which hangs over the new 4 drive wheel configuration. Just to make sure there are no gauge-crash issues, I placed un-flanged wheels on the forward drivers. The only flanges that touch the rails are on the pilot truck and the rear drive wheels…haven’t tested that one out yet. The more I think about it, the less enthusiastic I am about the concept.
Now, I’m not an engineer…
“Ye got that right,” the Chief Engineer mutters into his stout. “Ye’re a moron.”
…I’m an artist. But to make this dang railway run, it takes a ton of engineering skills that I’m having to pick up on the fly.
“Now, now, let’s watch our language,” says the CEO.
“‘Dang’ doesn’t sell,” says the PR Guy. “Try ‘gosh-darn’.”
“Ye’re all a bunch of lily-livered cowards,” the Chief Engineer mutters, and then mumbles a stream of invective that would make sailors blush.
The biggest issue I can’t resolve on this modification is the angle of the driver rods. The valves sit outside the frame, of course, which means they sit outside of the drive wheels. As designed, the driver rods stretched back to the rear drive wheels at a nice, subtle angle. When I shortened the wheelbase, however, I moved the rear drive wheels much closer to the valves. Now the angle of those driver rods is pretty wicked! They still move smoothly enough, but rather lack the elegant prototypical correctness of the Big Hauler.
“‘Elegant prototypical correctness’, I’ll use that!” says the PR Guy.
“Elegant crap, if you ask me,” says the Chief Engineer. “That steep angle’ll will give you friction problems all the way doon the line, you ruddy ape! You’ve made a mess of it!”
- That's One Steep Angle!
I thought about moving the valves closer in, but they’re already against the frame. I guess I could fabricate new valves, but, as you’ll see from the pictures of the tanks, I’m an artist, not an engineer.
“You got that ruddy right,” the Chief Engineer pours himself another stout. I think it’s number three, but I lost count. We know it’ll be a fistfight after number 6.
Anyway, the railway runs from Paris to Peking, and the Big Hauler is an American locomotive, not European. That’s where the rest of this conversion comes in.
I’m happy with the round windows at the front of the cab, and with the groovy schwoopie side windows. Now we’re tackling tanks.
“‘Tackling Tanks’,” says the PR Guy. “I’ll use that, too!”
“Bunch of Nancy boys,” mutters the Chief Engineer.
Following the advice of my brother, who is an engineer, I split a piece of 2×4 to form the base of the tanks. I lack the finesse for such finesse work, and the result rather lacks in finesse.
- It looks better in the dark!
“Ye’re a ham-fisted baboon,” says the Chief Engineer. “I’ve seen better work done by my drunk grandmother.”
Well, be that as it may, the tanks are tentatively tacked on. I like the look. I used gnarly drywall screws to hold the tanks on temporarily for the Kodak Moment above. I’ll epoxy ‘em on tomorrow, using the same screws to anchor ‘em while the epoxy sets. Once that’s done, I’ll be able to drive smaller screws into ‘em from the inside. The big drywalls will conflict with the batteries, otherwise I’d leave ‘em in.
Yes, the tanks look crummy right now…
“I thought ye said ye were an artist!” laughs the Chief Engineer.
“Never show a child or an idiot anything half done,” clucks the PR Guy. That was not a wise comment. Insulting the Chief Engineer when he’s into his stouts is a dangerous proposition.
…but once I’ve added sheet styrene cladding they should look pretty sharp.
So, we’ve got the cab reconfigured. We’ve got a good start on the tanks, and will have them looking sharp by week’s end.
Now, there’s just one problem that remains: That long boiler held a very sophisticated circuit board. Very nice. Came right out with a couple of snips of the wire cutters. Hey! I seem to have removed the On/Off switch! I can get the beast to run forward by twisting together a couple of wires…
“Idiot’s switch,” yells the Chief Engineer. He’s got the poor PR Guy in a headlock.
…but of course the thing screams down the rails at full speed because there’s no remote control to moderate the speed.
So, my wife and I were at Pic-N-Sav…I mean Big Lots!…this afternoon and I spotted a nifty looking radio control pickup truck for eight bucks. We were buying cheapo Halloween decorations for the house, which meant I couldn’t get the $8 justified to the Budget and Finance Committee. When I sell my book, which, incidentally, goes to market on Wednesday, I’ll go buy that truck. The radio should fit inside the locomotive.
So, we’re moving forward on this project. I want to get it done so I can get back to my overhead wiring system. I’m telling you, that’ll be really cool.
“I’m telling ye ye’re an idiot!” bellows the Chief Engineer.
The CEO adjourns the meeting just in time, as the Chief Engineer has ordered his sixth stout and the PR Guy is hiding behind the CFO.
Wish me luck on the book!
