The Meeting of the Board
The heavy oak doors open as the
board members file into the richly paneled boardroom in the beautiful
Grande Hotel du Paris.
The heavy set CEO leads the way, heading for the well
appointed bar lining one wall of the beautiful room. He pulls out
the brandy decanter and hands it to the tall, slightly built PR
Guy while the stocky CFO transfers the snifters from the bar to the
octagonal oak table in the center of the room.
"I say," the CEO surveys the room, "where's Sandy?"
"It's not like Mr. McGonagal to be late," Jim Porter, the secretary, says.
"It's eight o'clock at night in Paris in the year 1910," the surly CFO says. "I'm sure he's perfectly safe."
"Well," the CEO lights up a cigar, "let's get this over with. My driver is waiting in the new DeDion..."
"A French motor car?" coughs the PR Guy. “You can’t
buy a French motor car! The stockholders back home want you to
drive a Tin Lizzie!”
“Hmph,” the CEO blows a smoke ring. “Let ‘em try to get parts for a Tin Lizzie in France! Now,” he cracks his knuckles expansively, “let’s get down to business; this Paris to Peking Railway has got to be grand. I’m talking first rate stuff. I want to see LGB locomotives and rolling stock, Piko buildings, that sort of thing! The stockholders will be expecting us to spare no expense…”
The CFO coughs in his brandy.
“Uh, that’s not quite the reality, chief…”
“What? I thought we were going from Paris to Peking!”
“Well, we are,” continues the CFO, choosing his words carefully, “but not quite in the fashion you think. For one thing, there’s the issue of scale…”
“Scale?” thunders the CEO. “Who cares about scale?”
“Well, actually,” the secretary
butts in, “everybody does. It’s actually rather crucial…”
“We’re committed to 1/18th scale,” the CFO says, bluntly. “Live with it.”
“But that scale…the track…” the CEO is searching for words. “The Paris to Peking is to be a main line!”
“Yes, well, not anymore,” says the CFO, stubbing out his cigar. “It’s now a 'narrow gauge line' running modified locomotives and rolling stock.”
“You MODIFIED an LGB?” the CEO stares at him, aghast.
"Just a moment! We must read and approve the minutes of the previous meeting before we move ahead with today's agenda." Jim Porter, the Secretary of the Corporation has been with the Company from the start. He is a serious fellow who plans to keep these meetings on track.
The door bangs open and the soggy form of Sandy McGonagal, the grumpy Chief Engineer, has arrived.
“The Chief Engineer has arrived,” says the secretary.
“I see that,” mutters the CEO.
“We didna modify an LGB, ye grrreat windbag,” the Chief Engineer stamps his feet and shakes the water off himself like a dog. “We modified a Bachmann Big Haulerrr.”
“Bachmann? You modified one of their Spectrum Series locomotives? Oh dear.” The CEO looks at the table, sadly. “Those are so pricey!”
“It wasn’t a Spectrum Series, it was a Big Hauler,” the CFO says. “It’s a battery unit, not that bad for price.”
“But the Big Hauler is an American series…”
“But, the minutes…” the secretary glances around the room.
"We werrre all here, last week ... ye pencil-necked nimrrrod!" roars the Chief Engineer. "At this table, in these chairrrs, and with these glasses in ourrr hands, we werrre here. I remember it as if it werrre only last week. In fact ... it WAS only last week! I see no rrreason to rrrehash ourrr historrry since everrryone was herrre."
"I second that motion," says the PR Guy. "I've already made a Press Release based upon last week's notes. I have worked upon our words and twisted the ideas presented at the meeting last week to create a glowing report on our activities and I have them printed, here, in full color ... a copy for each of us."
"All right," agrees the Secretary. "We will accept the PR Guy's write-up as the official meeting minutes of last week's meeting."
"And so ..." continues the CEO, "Mr. Chief Engineer ... Please fill us in on your progress with our locomotive fleet."
"Mrrr. CEO ... esteemed Boarrrd Memberrrs, it is
my pleasurrre to descrrribe to you the state of ourrr locomotive
fleet. We have FOURrr locomotives in ourrr fleet. The New-Bright
2-6-0 and our Bachmann Big-Hauler ... or should I say ... Not-So-Big
Haulerrr now that we’ve whacked herr doon to a 4-4-0. The New Brrright,
although a fine enough loco for a wee kiddies trrrain-set, don’t be
up to the task of traverrrsing our outdoorrr rrrail system. The batterrries
lie in the tenderrr, and the wee loco just doesn't have what it takes
to stick to our trackwork."
The CEO looks at the CFO and raises his eyebrows.
“I say, what is he talking about?” he asks, quietly.
The CFO leans closer to the portly CEO.
“The New Bright locomotive is too light to navigate the rails in the China Section.”
“Why doesn’t he just say so?” whispers the CEO.
The Chief Engineer strides behind the bar and pours himself a glass of stout. He then takes a seat at the table.
“Quit wrrringing yerrr hands, mon. We’rrre rrreworrrking
the Big Haulerrr to look like a Eurrropean engine. We’re rrreworking
the Big Haulerrr 
to fit ourrr narrow gauge trrrack. We’rrre modifying the Big Haulerrr
to accept remote control…jeez mon, will ye have no faith!”
“Goodness,” the CEO smiles, “that’s a lot of reworking on the railroad!”
“That’s good,” interjects the PR Guy. “I’ve been reworking on the railroad…I’ll use that!”
"The Big Hauler is comin' along nicely. We have been rrrreshapin' the cab to look more Eurrropeanish. We have successfully modified the frrrame of the Big Haulerrr to crrreate a 4-4-0 configuration. Wooden tanks have been installed and we have not been stingy with the RRRust-O-Leum."
“Yes,” interrupts the CFO. “I have been meaning to speak to you about that…"
"We are still worrrking to make herrr rrrun smoothly ... but she’s coming along just fine."
"Will we go radio control, infrared, command control, DCC ... or, maybe, a simple On and Off Switch will do the trick on the Big Hauler?" The CEO interrupts excitedly. "The "off" position will save the batteries but won't move any freight!"
The Chief Engineer eyes him sharply.
“I’ll be finishin’ aforrre we get to questions,” he says, gruffly. “Nooo, we also have ourrrselves a rrreal Bachmann Big Haulerrr 2-6-0 and a wee LGB 0-4-0. Both of them laddies arrre trrrack powerrred…
“I thought we were going battery,” interrupts the
CEO again.
The Chief Engineer mutters into his stout and sits down
abruptly.
The CFO clears his throat.
“Well,” he says, “we’ve opted for batteries at this time due to the difficulty extant in the layout as wired. As the Chief Engineer hasn’t been able to figure out how to wire the track and turnouts for power, we’re going with batteries, although they are more expensive.”
"I know that 'Operating AAR Knuckle Couplers' are all the rage these days ..." begins the CEO.
"But they cost money," interjects the CFO, "and,
well ... let's just say that we will stick with whatever came supplied
with our rolling stock."
"Doesn't Kadee manufacture a line of fine magnetic-operating couplers?" asks the secretary.
"Yes ... but you are talking a large investment, there. Kadee couplers ARE very nice ... and well worth their money ... but that's not going to happen any time soon!"
"Aye ... you cheap bastarrrds!," mumbles the Chief Engineer. And then, almost yelling "... And I suppose you plan to rrroll on cheap plastic wheels turrrning in cheap plastic jourrrnals, too!"
"Yes ... that sounds like the plan," answers the CFO, quietly.
"And what about me signal towerrrs, trrrackside strrructures and operrrating crossing gates…”
“Yes,” the CEO leans forward excitedly. “You know, the kind with the little blinking lights?"
"With our current budget, those things are OUT ... unless we can create them from scrap plywood and craft sticks."
The CEO sits back in disappointment.
"How are you ever going to make little 
blinking lights out of craft sticks?"
"There's your answer, then,” the CFO says, puffing on his cigar. “There’s no money yet.”
“W…w…well,” stammers the CEO, “let’s go back to
the "scale" of our operation. G-Scale is such a catch-all for model
railroaders. It could mean anything from half-inch to the foot to
who knows what!"
“You know, "G scale" is good press,” interjects the
PR Guy. “I don’t like using all those numbers…confusing. But “G
scale”, I can sell that.”
“Why don’t ye go sell yerrrself a hearrrt attack,” mutters the Chief Engineer into his stout.
“And I’m not sure which end is which,” the CEO continues. “Is the tight little loop at the north end of the pool Paris or Peking? It is hard to tell just by looking. When is our Chief Architect ever going to make it to these meetings? What are we paying him for, anyway? Isn't he aware of the import of these meetings and of the fine booze we serve here? He is missing out!"
The CFO huffs slightly and stands up.
"When it comes to G-scale structures,” he says, ”a fine
array of kits and plans is available. Manufacturers like Bachmann,
Aristo-Craft, Pola, and Vollmer, to name a few, offer wonderful buildings
and kits that would look just great in our landscaping."
He sits down and sighs.
“However, we’ll have to scratchbuild our structures
from scrap plywood and craft sticks. NO purchase of manufactured
housing can be approved by this Board. Our blinking lights will have
to be created from craft sticks." 
"What about some of the other manufacturers,” interrupts the CEO, “ like Grandt Line, Preiser, JV Models and Model Power?"
"No. Craft sticks, plywood, and maybe some of that styrofoam board product ... that stuff is pretty inexpensive."
"You mean CHEAP, do ye not?"
"I’ll use inexpensive,” says the PR guy, “economical. That’s a good one. I can sell this!"
The CEO stands up, a trifle unsteadily, as he’s
had a touch more scotch than he should have.
"Gentlemen, we all agree to acknowledge that Garden
Railroading is REAL Railroading. We face the same issues as do the
full-scale boys. Our infrastructure must traverse our entire real
estate holdings, from "P To Shining P". This means that we need electric
power to stretch the length of our empire. Mr. Chief Engineer, have
you settled upon an electric grid distribution plan?"
"If by that ye mean have I figurrred out how to build a telephone pole ... the answerrr is ‘Aye’, although it's the wire, itself, that still has me perrrplexed." He pours himself another stout.
"LGB and Bachmann make some nice looking telegraph poles,” says the secretary.
"Model Power does, too!" says the PR Guy. “I can work an advertising co-op deal with them!
"I tell you we can make ourrr own poles, ye pack of ninnies!” The Chief Engineer thumps the table. “It's the damned wire that I am still searrrching for!"
"Well ... keep us posted." The CEO sits down again. “Now, how about the track ... the actual rails, themselves? I understand beautiful track is available from Aristo-Craft, Marklin, Atlas, LGB, Micro Engineering, Life-Like and others. I can just see the glorious brass rails shining in the morning sunshine…”
“Yes, well, about that,” the CFO coughs slightly.
“We are in a sorry state in that area today. Our track is a mixed
hodge-podge of what we were left with before the previous administration
bailed out and whatever we have been able to scrounge from the
garage and old plastic trainsets. Our turnouts are old and our rails
are corroded. BUT ... there is hope! With elbow grease and a strong
will, we can get the system to be operational."
"HOPE, indeed!” grumbles the Chief Engineer. “My only hope is that we finish this meeting before we finish the booze."
“I say, Sandy,” the CEO eyes the Chief Engineer. “Why were you so late to the meeting?”
“Eh? Therrre’s a bloke outside has a new DeDion…I had to take ‘im on with me Tin Lizzie!”
“You…raced…my…man…Edgar…in…the…DeDion?” the CEO stammers out slowly. “In…the…rain?”
“Who won?” the CFO says without curiousity.
“The trrreee,” the Chief Engineer smirks.
"Meeting adjourned," gasps the CEO as he rushes back out through the great oaken doors.
The Chief Engineer chuckles softly, “Aie …meeting
adjourrrned …” and takes a long pull on his stout.